i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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