Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
