yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
