i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
