Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
