Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
