I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
