I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
