i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
