I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
