what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
