Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize