How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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