Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
