I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
