I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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