If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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