I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
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