you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
