I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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