Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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