Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
