just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
