My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
