Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
