HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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