Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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