I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
