Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
as a side note pls kill me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
