I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
