I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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