He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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