just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
