So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
