I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
