I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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