just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
