you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
