in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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