I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Are my feet made of real feet?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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