No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
