John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
