The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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