we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
