I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This is my gift to your gina
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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