I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
