They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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