Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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