we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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