I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
