The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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