i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
