you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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