so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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