why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
