The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
