At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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