I puked a lego.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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