:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
