If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Of course I have a pirate flag
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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