I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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