I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Welp...herpes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
