Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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