she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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