I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
