You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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