i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Barsexuality is the new black.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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