I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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