"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you had me at cake vodka
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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