"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
