im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
